So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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