I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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