Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
