I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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