When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
