apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
