Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
