oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
