I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize