Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize