last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize