sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
