I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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