well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just pee around me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
