My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
