Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize