White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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