i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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