I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was not drunk enough for that final.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
