is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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