How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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