Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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