listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i think i have herpe
just one?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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