we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
