i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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