and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize