people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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