so explain again why im purple
no
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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