I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You ruined the universe
Randomize
