Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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