I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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