On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
