Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am midnight drunk by noon
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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