someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
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