my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
