is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
