Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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