I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
this hospital has no fireball
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He shit in the fireplace
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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