Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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