u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
