I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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