yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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