i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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