Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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