I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
