i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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