I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
