September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
