she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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