you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
