just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Drunk is not a location!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
