he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
