Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
