I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
