That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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