Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
