nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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