I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize