Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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